We agreed to this?

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has found themselves amidst an uncomfortable situation and realized that the situation is quite obviously their own d*** fault. I have to wonder if humans are prone to some level if social masochism because not only do we get ourselves into these situations but we generally end up repeating them over, and over again. Perhaps, instead of being social pain-seekers, we simply have to have really horrible social experiences in order to enjoy ones that are... not horrible.

For those of you who don't know, I ended a long-term relationship about a month ago. I haven't really felt like getting back into the dating ring again but the circumstances were sort of thrust upon me recently. There are a bunch of good guys that own the building my office is in and who like to harass me on a regular basis. We don't usually talk "significant others" but I guess they noticed my "bf" hadn't been around for a while and talked me into a date with their friend who, for his privacy, I will call Bob.

Well, Bob stopped by the office a few times prior to setting a dinner date with me and won me over with his eight month-old great dane puppy, Miah. Let me just say, Miah is second only to my own dog in terms of cuteness and loveability. Anyway, Bob asks me out Friday night.

Friday morning I wake up at 4:30a.m. and vomit for a couple hours before wallowing in misery that day and the next on the love seat, watching all eight hours of A&E's version of "Pride and Prejudice." I clearly could not go on a date in that condition. I texted Bob and told him my sad story. Of course you can't blame a girl for the stomach flu so Bob was cool with the whole thing and we agreed to try again another time.

But thus began the texting of Bob... he texted me quite a bit over the next few days and that's when I started to get a bad feeling about going out with this guy. I mean, during the Super Bowl he felt the need to tell me that he is quote "a stonch Republican." Yes, that's how he spelled staunch. He then went on to compare the Steelers, clearly the villains of the Super Bowl, to Democrats. Imagine his reaction when I told him I was a liberal.

The next week, probably a development of the vomiting, I have tonsilitis. Since I was already sick the first time he asked me out, I felt like I'd better just get it over with, despite not really wanting to go at this point. I hate being rude and with how many times he had stopped in with his dog, I just didn't feel like I could gracefully bow out. Four hours later, after an odd dinner filled with all kinds of redneck idioms I could not begin to understand and sitting alone while he went outside to smoke, he dropped me off at my car and busted a move... sigh... so not smart.

Bob asked me out again the next night but I just had to say no. I told him that I really wasn't interested in dating quite yet, which is true. I left out the part though about having one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life.

In the end though, it's my own d*** fault, I knew Bob was a 28 year-old version of Rush Limbaugh before we went out. Anyway, thanks Bob, for scaring me away from beginning dating again for at least another couple months.

The Lessons of 2008

I, like most, take a little time to reflect on the past year with the coming of January. It's important to gauge our individual and collective progress through comparison. With that, here are some of the things gained and lost in 2008:

1. One more barrier in racial prejudice was blown to bits with the election of an African-American man as president. Despite political affiliation, the election of Barack Obama has proved to be an emotional and inspiring moment in the history of Civil Rights.

2. I learned that Americans do care about the bubble bursting in paper-backed securities, but they care much less as long as gas prices are low.

3. Science discovered that alcohol shrinks the brain... seriously, we didn't know this before?

4. I learned that if being around another person exponentially increases my crazy, then I really shouldn't hang with them.... sigh...

5. Riding around in a big truck that is painted like a cow with my brother at six in the morning is actually a good time! Plus, you get to eat all the cheese curds you want (half a pound is not recommended!)

6. The government can give away money without actually having it. I wish I could do that...

7. Pets are supposed to increase the owners' quality of life... if they do not, unfortunately there must be sad goodbyes. Hopefully Ellie is finally a happy dog somewhere!

8. Miami Vice is still one of the best shows ever produced by television... seriously, how can you beat Ferrari's, Phil Collins, spandex and Don Johnson? I watched the entire series in six months and I may do it again in 2009.

9. State governors, whether it be Sarah Palin or Blagojevich, dominated in terms of media coverage of political corruption. Seriously, do governors work?

10. Do not try tucking a loaded gun into your sweatpants when you go out to the club, you will probably shoot yourself in the leg.

11. "The Office" could be the funniest show on television or possibly ever.

12. Neurotic, but generous, bosses are the best kind... generous enough to keep you working but neurotic enough to encourage you to leave some time in the future.

13. I think we all learned that the battle over homosexual rights and societal acceptance for the gay lifestyle is just beginning. I am hoping the next few years prove to be more legislatively and judicially positive in this regard.

14. The "emo" has officially disappeared. Seriously, I never see emo kids anymore, where did they all go?

15. The bird flu is going to kill us all.

16. There is nothing sadder than loss of life, especially under certain circumstances. Tanner Swensen, you are missed and still loved.

17. Friendship renewal can be the answer to a lot of life's questions! So many people I missed that I found my way back to... thank you!

18. It's okay to like your therapist, lol!

19. O.J. Simpson is finally guilty of something! Who knew?!

And the last thing that I learned, or rather, reaffirmed, is that family is the foundation. Never forget it! Thanks for a great year, I love you Mom, Dad, Bry, Kelly, John, Jodi, and Scott! No way I could do it without you!

Beauty School Drop Out...

Every couple of years I break the code of leaving my poor, broken hair alone, and do something wild and outlandish with it. These bursts range from the "temporary" black I used for my Trinity costume in the ninth grade, to the failed attempts at bleaching during my college years which made my hair look more like yellow silly putty than Barbie. As you've probably guessed by now, the hair vandal has struck again!

This Halloween I decided to bedazzle myself with some simple red horns, some freaky make-up, and add a little pink/red dye to top off the cake. The box said it would wash out in a couple of weeks but alas, I can clearly tell that beneath the shades of fuchsia, my poor brown locks have been sucked of all their color, leaving some lovely strands of white... I fear when it entirely washes out, I will look a bit too much like the bride of Frankenstein.

But do not despair! I have an appointment to correct my whim and in the meantime, I am thoroughly enjoying the commentary. Here are some of the comments received so far:

-My boss when I returned to work on Monday, "I think there's something different about you..."

-My Mother, "Oh Staci..."

-My Dad, "When are you getting it fixed?" He has asked me this at least three times so far, I'm still counting.

-The guy from the office upstairs, "Did you lose a bet?"

-The other guy from the office upstairs, "What did you do to your hair?"

-The cook at the Mongolian Grill when I was with Ian, "You know who you look like? Poison Ivy from Batman. You ever seen that show?" To Ian, "You better be careful man!"

-All six workers at the voting booths loved my hair and told me to tell my mom that. Yes, I knew everyone who worked at the voting booths... only in small communities...

I continue to get random comments of, "I like your hair," in addition to strange and disapproving looks from elderly folk. I feel a bit like Frenchy from Grease after she quits beauty school because she turned her hair pink... perhaps it's time for me to be a beauty school drop out.

Highlights of the UAJ

One of the parts of working for an attorney are countless hours of boredom.... depositions, clients on the phone who won't hang up, listening to people try to sell my boss something when they know he is only wasting their time on purpose, etc... but on occasion we, the staff, are rewarded with the opportunity to accompany my boss on his adventures, or rather misadventures, with the various legal organizations of which he is a part.

Brent came to IF-town from the exciting and exotic Salt Lake Valley. There he was a part of the Utah Trial Lawyers Association and continues that association in Idaho. Due to the negative stigma "trial lawyers" brings about in "laymen," the organization changed its name to the Utah Association for Justice. Either name though is just a way of identifying the hundreds of plaintiff attorneys statewide. Yes, these are the people that sue you, you, and oh, you too.

A couple times a year, the "sue happy" get together and chat about new legislation, how to deal with clients, and how to deal with each other. Last week, I got to go. This is the awesome stuff I learned, some useful, and some incredibly not so:

1. Allstate sucks ass... this guy traded his sanity for the ugly truth about Allstate and it's ugly, really ugly. I won't go into detail because you will be as bored as I was (my colleague and I resorted to the dot game at one point) but if you really want to know, feel free to ask me.

2. Despite the high number of Mo-Mos in Utah, there are very few Mormon plaintiffs attorneys... hmm... I wonder why that is...

3. I have never seen so many people drink so much coffee but then not go to the bathroom. Seriously, with as much as these guys drink, they should be in and out of the room all day, but they just sit there. It's baffling.

4. Defense attorneys are boring compared to plaintiff attorneys. Seriously, only one defense attorney spoke in the whole conference but he was BY FAR the most dry of anyone I met.

5. Plaintiffs work actually DOES SOME GOOD. I know, I know, I didn't believe it either but there is a whole lot of case law passed by plaintiffs attorneys that we should all be pretty grateful for. For example, Utah employers, until last year, were not liable for sending their employees into a dangerous situation, even if there was a 99% chance the worker would die. It took a guy being ordered to basically drive through lava and get burnt to a crisp before the Utah Supreme Court took a new position on that. Kudos to the attorney who took that case because she only gets paid if she wins and who would take a case where all the case law to that point says you can't win? Yeah, she kicks ass.

6. Women are underrepresented in the plaintiff attorney arena, particularly attractive ones. I got pretty creeped several times from the old guy stares...

7. I broke 1800 on my Bubble Breaker score during the conference, just an FYI, it was awesome! All it took was two hours of persistence.

8. My boss literally didn't think that AIDS was still a problem. He actually told me this during the conference. I've been inundating him with HIV/AIDS literature since we got back.

9. Women make kick ass plaintiffs attorneys! This woman spoke who literally made some of the people in the room cry (not just the women.) She must slaughter witnesses and mow over juries! Absolutely amazing! I wanted to kiss her feet!

10. Having a "heated outdoor pool" in Utah at a hotel actually means that they heat it... but only from October to February. The fact that I swam fifty laps in that pool (twice) I now believe only shows that I am losing my mind.

11. The experience also reaffirmed my belief that my boss is one of the most insecure people I know. He presented and has asked me at least two dozen times since if he did a good job. To his credit, he did wear a sweet neon tie with flowers on it.

And I completely FORGOT MY FAVORITE THING when I posted this so here you go... number twelve... on our way to breakfast, we saw an Adopt a Highway sign sponsored by none other than "Women Against Gun Control." Being in pretty much the reddest state in the country probably meant I shouldn't have been surprised by this but I laughed my ass off at the thought of a bunch of middle-aged house wives picking up trash off I-15 with sidearms.

Who are your sitcom characters?

I know I'm not the only person with those daily interactions that make you feel like you are in an episode of "Seinfeld," "Two and Half Men," "Scrubs," or dare I say it, "Sex and the City." Maybe it's the mere fact that I work downtown it a quiet office now that makes these odd moments more prominent, instead of in a call center where odd happenings are well... normal. Whatever the reason, I generally have a daily reason to chuckle. Such as...

...the guy in our office building who rides a bike to work everyday in Wranglers, cowboy boots, and toting a backpack that looks like he stole it from a second grader five years ago.

...the ex-teacher who had a brain tumor and now wanders the city, pushing a baby carriage and designing apparel out of electrical wire. I have often considered buying one of his hats, he's a nice guy who acknowledges his oddness.

...the eighty year old man that walks by my window two times a day, always in a different outfit than the time before.

...the people that drive the wrong direction down our one way, one lane street.

...the strange man that passed me on his bicycle as I walked back from the courthouse and shouted, "man, this town is full of hotties!"

...women who my boss has taken out on dates and now walk by our office to flaunt their new boyfriends because Brent never called them again.

...the client that left his truck parked in the middle of the one way street in front of our office to come in and talk for fifteen minutes.

...another of our crazy clients that literally breaks into tears anytime anyone talks to her.

...the kids that sell sun catchers for local churches at least twice a year. They always make you feel horrible, like you drop kicked a baby or something, when you say no to them.

...the owners of the building I work in who rent out potato cellars and own land in South America... anyone else suspicious other than me?

...the redneck city worker that always wears a neon orange shirt and tells me every day, "lookin' hot, like always." Not sure why he keeps saying it at this point.

...the guys that turn up the music in their vehicles when they pull up next to a cute girl walking downtown, like loudness will somehow make us attracted to them.

...the crazy Native American guy that keeps calling my office to find an attorney who will make the government take the implant out of his head because the implant shatters windows with electromagnet pules, and steals his paycheck.


So here's to all those people that make life interesting! Cheers!

Ellie

Most of you already know about the demon dog that dwells with my parents and I. She is the source of much drama, much comedic relief, and a lot of the general conversation I have with my family. Despite her aggressive tendencies, she has become a lovable character on the Visser stage.

On Monday our little "spawn of Satan" attacked me for walking through the door. I was excited to see her and my puppy Bentley, after they had been in the kennel for three days while we were in Salt Lake. I shouted, "Hello girls!" only to be met with teeth clamped down on my stomach which was followed by my own string of profanity. Unfortunately, this is not the first time Ellie has attacked and therefore my parents are faced with a difficult decision, whether to accept the liability of an outwardly aggressive dog, or put their puppy down.

I, myself, have been tormented by the thought of not having her presence in our home anymore. This is partially because of my own and my mother's attachment to her, but also due to my Dad's deep attachment to Ellie, whom he affectionately calls his "buddy." I have so many memories of her seated in the passenger's seat of my Dad's van or truck, poised and ready for her ride. I can still see her drinking pop from the cup holder, and see my Dad buy a package of Grandma's peanut butter cookies only to eat one himself and give the other to his buddy.

I know my parents will make the right decision for themselves and their puppy, even if that means letting go of her a little sooner than we had hoped.

Right now, I am choosing to remember the things I love about Ellie...

She gave us her adorable puppyhood which, despite the beginnings of her biting and aggressiveness, gave us countless hours of enjoyment and hundreds of fantastic pictures. Since a puppy, she has always done this adorable look of curiosity where she cocks her head to the side and perks up her ears.

She gave us protection. Aggression has its uses, and she is an excellent guard dog. I have always felt safe walking the neighborhood with her.

She actually brings the ball back when you throw it (unlike my dog.)

She breathes incredibly loud for a dog.

She loves water. My parents have gone so far as to buy a kiddie pool for the dogs in the backyard which she has claimed as her own. She likes to tease Bentley by moving the toys into the center of the pool so Bentley can't get them (Bentley hates the water.) She also loves to be sprayed by the hose.

She eats the weirdest things... seriously, she must have an incredible digestive system.

Speaking of digestive systems, my dad and his buddy can stink up the whole house with their combined efforts.

She is notorious for molesting the pillows in the living room... maybe not a lovable trait but good for laughs and embarrassing strangers.

She attempted to eat a bee once and was stung. Her muzzle blew up about three times its normal size. She recovered, but her puffy face was so hilarious!

She will poke you with her paws until you pet her when she needs some love, which is usually several times a day.


Of course, that's not everything, just all I can write without too many tears... I think it's needless to say that I will miss her very much. I just hope that she knows somehow that I truly love her.

I love you Ellie

What we choose to remember...

On July 4, 1776 the Second Continental Congress signed and sent to the printers, the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

A year later, in the throws of the Revolutionary War, George Washington celebrated the date by doubling rum rations and ordering artillery fire.

On July 3rd, 1863 the fighting at the war torn fields of Gettysburg ceased and on July 4th it began to rain. It rained for days as the armies tried to pick the wounded from the martyred.

On July 4, 1918 a contingent of Australian and American forces turned the tide of World War I by employing new strategies of engagement. While the Battle of Hamel in France against the Germans was only a small victory, what was learned there saved thousands of American lives later in the war.

In July 1934, the chain reaction for the atom bomb was patented.

On July 4, 1939 Julius Streicher delivered a speech in Nuremberg, Germany which should have been a warning to the world of the forthcoming Nazi rise. World War II began two months later.

On July 4, 1941 American delivers the first aircraft to Britain.

On July 4, 1947 Americans witness the crash of what is claimed to be a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico.

On July 4, 1966 President Johnson signed the Freedom of Information Act, which went into effect the following year.

On July 4, 1976 Israeli commandos raided an airport in Uganda, rescuing almost all of the passengers and crew of an Air France jetliner seized by pro-Palestinian hijackers.

On July 4, 2003 a speaker claiming to be Saddam Hussein called on Iraqis in a taped message to rally behind anti-U.S. resistance.

On July 4, 2007 BBC reporter Alan Johnston, seized by the Army of Islam in the Gaza Strip the previous March, was released.

As of July 4, 2008 over 33,000 American troops have been lost in the War in Iraq since 2003. More astoundingly, over 1.2 million Iraqi's have perished since the invasion.


So much history that began on July 4, 1776... It's ironic that on the same day in 1776, King George III of Great Britain wrote in his journal, "Nothing important happened today."