When I comment to others that I work for an "ambulance chaser," I am often bombarded with questions about the nature of my employment. In truth, there is little I can say about my job other than, "It's entertaining," to explain what I do every day. It would be difficult to expound on how instead of spending all of the day slaving over briefings, filings, and lawsuits, we often find ourselves shopping for skate shoes at the mall, buying a bass guitar and amplifier for the office, or taking long lunches with associates with are never anywhere close to being "p.c."
It seems that even when we are working diligently, we aren't really working. Take, for example, my bosses' newest cause. (Keep in mind that my bosses' previous causes have included suing cell phone carriers for charging him a cancellation fees, and yes, there was more than one.) My boss recently canceled service with his cable provider and not only did they charge him a cancellation fee, but they also charged him several other late fees because they mistakenly put his EFT into the wrong account. Oh, the INJUSTICE!
A simple phone call to the cable company legal department left my boss so inflamed (though they offered to refund all of his money) that the same day he filed a law suit again the company in Bonneville County court, adding to the total loss his hours in preparing these documents. Much to our (the staff's) chagrin, the cable company went on the defensive and actually hired local counsel to defend the case. To worsen our frustration, the counsel they hired is my bosses' least favorite attorney in Utah and Idaho combined.
In the past few weeks, the filings that have gone back and forth between my boss and this attorney have been numerous, time consuming, and absolutely ridiculous. Today's installment tops the cake! Below are the highlights of my bosses' response to a brief filed by the opposing attorney. Keep in mind that the plaintiff is represented by my boss (his ex-wife is the plaintiff, to be honest) and the defendant is the cable company:
"Plaintiff's motion to amend her complain struck a sensitive nerve deep inside (cable co.)'s profit center. (Cable co.)'s reflexive response to a threat to frustrate its illegal collection practices was to file a ten page responsive brief - or rather, a non-responsive brief - filled with unsubstantiated ad hominen attacks on Plaintiff's counsel. Ironically, (Cable Co.)'s brief was incoherent, lacked organization, and reading it was a complete waste of time because it utterly failed to address Plaintiff's motion to amend her complaint" (see footnote 1)
(Footnote 1: (Cable Co.)'s brief reminds me of a quote in a popular movie, Billy Madison, featuring one of my favorite character actors, Adam Sandler. The Principal makes the following observations after Adam Sandler's character gives a lengthy speech during a school debate competition: "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent reponse were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.")
"... (Cable Co.)'s circular reasoning seems to suggest that Plaintiff's proper procedural course is to file a motion to amend the complain, transfer the case to the district court, and then file a motion to certify the class. Brilliant! Oh wait, but isn't that what Plaintiff intended to do? How is it exactly that (Cable Co.) got it in its head that Plaintiff was attempting to certify a class? Was it the caption?: MOTION TO AMEND COMPLAINT AND TRANSFER TO DISTRICT COURT. I can't see how that would give it the impression Plaintiff was filing a motion to certify a class action. Was it anything I said in my one and a half page brief? Nope. There was no request to certify class. Well, I don't know where (Cable Co.) got the idea. But don't spank me because (Cable Co.) can't read."
"I almost contemplated filing a personal injury suit against (Cable Co.) for throwing up when I began to violently and uncontrollably laugh at (Cable Co.)'s unsupported statements... Anyway, in all seriousness, (Cable Co.)'s collection of illegal penalties must be stopped. And I'm the guy to do it. 'I'm Brent Gordon, you can beat Goliath.' "
I love my job! LOL!
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