A Hug and a Requiem... The Christmas Edition

I don't usually use this forum to spread anything but laughs. Today though, it seems appropriate to share a little more than that. For those hoping for more tales of my ridiculousness, feel free to stop reading now. I promise not to be offended... too much...

I'm one of those people that has a hard time with the holidays. As a general rule, they serve to be reminders of things and of people that I have lost over the years. The holidays make my soul feel more old and tired than usual. And while the sad news of the past few weeks has not lightened this load, there is still enough beauty to be appreciated that I can send my own message of hope. I hope you will bare with me as I do so.

Last week was a particularly difficult one. While preparing for the intensity that is first semester law school exams, I was also dealing with some of those tragedies that seems to befall us more and more as we age. On a particularly cold night, after a long run at the gym, I gathered my things and left for my favorite coffee shop. Instead of going straight to the coffee shop, I decided to take a detour and look around The Cathedral of the Madeleine. I had passed the Cathedral dozens of times in my travels but had never made time to stop. I thought the solitude would be a good way to collect my thoughts on the week's events.

I was surprised to find the parking lot packed and the Cathedral chapel full of people milling about and talking. Frustrated, I was about to make my exit without whatever satisfaction I was hoping to get from a lonely Catholic cathedral. I was stopped though when I ran into an old family friend. She gave me a big hug and we chatted for a few minutes before I said as I always do, "I better get back to work." She gave me another hug and encouraged me to stay a few more minutes; to wait for the choir to come back out and finish the concert that I had stumbled on.

So I did... I sat alone in the back and watched the children's choir pile onto the risers in their white robes, looking nervous and uncomfortable; their backdrop, a dramatic display of gold and turquoise. I listened as they sang a cappella, a requiem. Their beautiful soprano voices filled the Cathedral all the way to ceiling. And for a few minutes, I closed my eyes and got to appreciate something beautiful and think only about that. With a hug and a requiem, I got to be better than okay for a few minutes and for that I am grateful.

I'm not one who believes in fate or even in people being led to what they need at a given moment by unseen forces. But I do believe those few minutes were a gift. I'm not going to try to explain it the way I saw it, I would rather you take what you need from the story whether that be a hug, a requiem, or both...

If you are struggling, I hope you find a reason to feel okay. If you are feeling okay, I hope you find a way to feel loved. And if you are feeling loved, I hope you find a way to share that... Merry Christmas family and friends, I am truly grateful for you all.

How socially stupid are you?

This subject has been the source of much dialogue at the law school recently. It doesn't take much for anyone on the outside looking in on our fishbowl to see that social norms have basically been thrown to the wind, replaced by what we like to think is intellectualism but what is more aptly called social stupidity. Of course, this term isn't limited to law students alone. All of us know a socially stupid person and if you don't think you do, it's probably because you are socially stupid yourself. I offer my own, on-point example.

This is classic Staci social ineptness... a few months ago I gave my number to a cute waiter at a birthday dinner for a friend. A while goes by and in the insanity that is the first few weeks of class, I kind of forgot about it. Then out of the blue I get a text from none other than cute waiter! I was way excited as soon as I figured out who it was but I also realized that I couldn't remember his name. Rather than just being a mature adult and asking him to remind me what his name was, I texted, went to coffee with, and set up an additional date still not knowing his name and feeling too weird to ask him (social stupidity in action.)

Sara noted the similarity in my situation to that of Jerry on Seinfeld who can't remember a woman's name and guesses, among other things, "Gipple" because he doesn't want to ask her. I finally devised a plan which involved taking "Gipple" to meet some of my friends which would hopefully result in him telling them his name during introductions, thereby saving me the embarrassment... fortunately his name came up in conversation prior to this so I was saved! I have yet to tell "Gipple" this story but I'm hoping he will laugh it off when I shake off my social stupid and finally tell him.

I think this story is even better when you know that I'm writing it while sitting in the hallway in front of my apartment, waiting for my roommate to get home because I locked myself out this morning and didn't realize it until I got home half an hour ago. Camping by my door was the best solution I could come up with... socially stupid? Maybe so...

Update the 841-oh-2: The Gym People

In order to avoid reading about subject matter jurisdiction in the United States Code, I bring you this edition of the 841-oh-2 to discuss the interesting social economy of my favorite place: the gym. Anyone who frequents a gym knows what I'm talking about. I never cease to be amused by the hysterical, annoying or down-right creepy people that join me as I run to nowhere. Here are just a few of the characters that make my best hour of the day so very... interesting...

The Cell Phone Talkers: I have taken to biking recently because running has turned my knees into knobby, arthritic pains in my a**. Without fail when I sit down to watch Campbell Brown's mash-up on CNN at six o'clock, there is a middle-aged gentlemen on the bike next to me on his cell phone. You might suspect that the man is a broker or someone whose livelihood actually depends on being on the phone... you would be wrong. I now know more about this guy's marital problems than his wife does. One of these days I'm just going to leave him a note with a therapist referral.

The Tag-Team De-Motivators: A lot of people that go to gyms require a partner in crime. These partners fall into two categories: (1) those that make you add the extra twenty pounds to the bench press, or (2) those that keep talking about where you guys are going to eat after you get done. I do my silent giggle every time I see a girl lean on the elliptical her friend is diligently trying to figure out. The conversation that follows is generally a depressed rendition of... "I'm just so tired today," "I think I'm getting sick," "I hurt my back the other day," or something equally obvious. Hey, I'm not judging, if you don't feel like working out, no pressure. The problem is that these comments inevitably lead to the poor elliptical girl giving in, joining in the de-motivating, and going to Crown Burger...

The Old Guy: I fully expect to be one of those strange old people that continues going to a gym well into their 80's so I feel like I have the right to mock the inappropriate old guys that spatter the Field House landscape. Two in particular come to mind. The first is the old guy in WAY too short of shorts that insists on stretching on the half-wall in front of the cardio machines everyday... I will leave you to your imaginations there. The second is the old, somewhat large and very hairy guy that plays basketball with the undergrads, shirtless every evening.... again, I will not elaborate.

The Competitor: Part of the reason I enjoy running on the track on the third floor of the field house is because there are usually two or three people up there with me that want to beat me (I also enjoy being able to mouth the words to my music without so many people thinking I'm crazy.) I find that with enough eye contact, I can usually provoke one of them into thinking that I'm trying to "win"... at running in circles. Do I know how stupid this sounds? Yes, yes I do. Do I still enjoy it? Yes, yes I do. Do I still get upset when someone "beats" me? Sigh, yes.

The Hot People: I know you are saying "UGH!" at this one but I have to throw them in. There are always a few people at the gym, particularly at a college gym that are so beautiful they belong in "Twilight." We all despise them while we secretly note their work-out routine. These are the guys or gals that make you accidentally drop your I-pod or trip off the treadmill because you ramp up the speed another couple miles an hour when they pass, just to show them... Oh beautiful people, we hate you.

I could literally update my blog daily on the strange happenings and visitors at the gym... from the girl with giant boobs trying to do pull-ups to the guy with a fifty pound back-pack on the stair-stepper the gym keeps me laughing loudly and inappropriately. For those who are also gym dwellers such as myself, feel free to add your favorite character to the comments!

Salt Lake City: 84102

I promised to keep you all apprised of the wonderment of law school so I'm inviting you to join in the farcical world of a first year law student, lovingly referred to as, "The Eight-Four-One-Oh-Two." You will cry; you will laugh; you will gasp in bafflement; and much like the series 90210, you will be elated when the hot characters come back for a sequel fifteen years later.

But before I get ahead of myself, I would like to answer the question that everyone asks me, "how is law school?" with something more than my usual response of, "Uh, yeah, you know... I read a lot." To really answer that question I offer the following...

You might be a law student if...

...you spend 3-5 hours a day in class then 9-11 hours reading and typing... that's fourteen hours a day.

...you go everywhere with your laptop and backpack. I have started calling my laptop "woobie."

...you look like a slow moving turtle due to the high number and weight of your books. I am not embarrassed to admit, I have even considered one of those backpacks with wheels in an effort to prevent future lumbar fusions. In the meantime, walking up and down the hills on the U campus has developed a new muscle in my thigh that I didn't know existed... physiology meets torts liability?

...waking up at six is considered "sleeping in" by the third week of class.

...you joke about suing fellow students for stealing pens, intentional infliction of emotional distress through competition, etc. and think it's actually funny. Sigh... deep down I think we all know we aren't funny anymore.

...you dream about Ted Bundy because he went to the same law school. Creepy...

...you start out wondering why a majority of the faculty and 3Ls drink at every law school function. By the forth week you begin to see the justifications for why so many attorneys have substance abuse issues and have a greater appreciation for anxiety medication.

...the best part of your day is watching The History Channel at the gym for an hour... who knew Stalin built a tunnel system under Moscow; so prepared but still surprised when Hitler started bombing Moscow, what an idiot!

...you tell yourself during orientation week that you WILL NOT DATE fellow law students, particularly first years. Maybe it's the reading ruining eyesight or the fluorescent lighting in the Gibby (our study room) but some of those guys are starting to look good.

...speaking of fluorescent lighting, you start to look like a vampire from lack of sunlight. Maybe one of the 1Ls will start looking like Edward and my life will be complete.

...you are absolutely sure you saw Gary Oldman while you were walking to school this morning... I'm serious, it had to be him.

...and finally, you might be a law student if you make an inappropriate comment about your professor and turn around to find them standing behind you in line at the coffee kart.

So with that, welcome to the 841-oh-2! Stay tuned for the next installment which will introduce you to my favorite characters from my new life in the SLC!

Oh, and I can't forget to mention Sara, without whom the 841-oh-2 would never have become what it is!

Just for funsies!

I know, I'm pretty much fired for some serious blog neglect. What can I say? Life happens? Instead of boring you all with an update on the last four months ups and downs, I would rather share the more interesting events, thoughts and randomness...


-Why is that when a guy sits alone at a restaurant he is considered creepy but when a girl does it, it just invokes sympathy?... My friend was half an hour late for lunch the other day (he is such a girl) and a total of three waitresses came up and said, "You ok sweetie? I'll check on you in a minute."

-My mom came downstairs while I was doing laundry the other day and asked me about some "dog pictures" I had sent to her on her phone. I was confused as I was pretty sure I had done no such thing so we went to check out her phone. Yep kids, you guessed it, someone sent my mother a message with a porn slide show. I said, "Mom, those are definitely not dogs, that's porn!" as I quickly erased the message. Mom says, "Oh! I didn't have my glasses on, I thought they were dogs." I love my mom!

-I had no idea how many innuendos could be made about a birthday cake. One of my coworkers go me an entire sheet cake with the face of Dwight from "The Office" and after force-feeding it to the other workers for two days, I finally took it home. As I work downtown, I park across the Yellowstone Hwy so I don't get parking tickets. The light to cross the highway takes a good 5-10 minutes every time to change. In that time, three trucks full of guys or older gentlemen passed me, each shouting something completely inappropriate. My favorite was, "Hey! I want some cake.... and I want to eat it too." So gross...

-To whoever thought "Transformers 2" was not a good movie, you are just plain dumb... that is all.

-Why do I have dreams about being in college and finding out in the middle I didn't graduate from high school? I have this dream at least once a week. It's starting to mess with my head.

-Speaking of messing with my head, anyone watch that show on Fox called "Lie to Me?" It's really a great show, one of mine and my mom's favorites, but I've started doing weird and annoying things around my friends. For example, I might say something like, "That's so not true, your forehead wrinkled" or, "Did that question make you anxious? You bit your lip." These comments are inevitably followed by the classic looks of disgust and annoyance. I may have to choose between Fox and my friends.

So yeah... there's some randomness for you. Hope you enjoyed it! I promise to be more diligent in my blogging as law school starts so you all can be entertained by my torture.

The Best Birth Control

My bosses ex-wife is in jail again. (All good stories start with a line like that.) About five years ago my boss was confronted with her affinity for prescription medication. After a few stints in rehab and seven felony counts for calling in fake prescriptions and actually trying to steal pain meds from a neighbor, he divorced her and took full custody of their three children. The ex hit an all-time low a few months ago when she overdosed and landed in the county jail. Since then she has accepted into the drug court program which regularly puts her in front of the judge. I have taken to calling her Amy Winehouse.

So my boss and the two other firm employees (both males, I'm the only female which means I live in a world of fart jokes and talking about muscles) planned this fantastic trip to Las Vegas to watch three straight days of college basketball. My boss even had his toes manicured in preparation for the sandal wearing, his toes are now bright pink with little jewels, like he was attacked by a "bedazzler," no joke. Yes, he's going to get his ass kicked.

To make a long story short, my boss had planned on Amy Winehouse watching his mongrels while he was away. Unfortunately, Amy had "some anxiety" earlier in the week and skipped her appointment with her shrink (um, don't you think anxiety is why she sees a shrink?) so the judge threw her in the county jail, yet again. After a few calls from Amy's toothless, on-disabillity, beer-drinking boyfriend to inform my boss where the hell Amy actually was, my boss called me and asked me to watch his kids.

Today is the third and final day of this misadventure, as long as Amy doesn't start any jail fights and doesn't try to steal medication from the jail infirmary again. While I'm exhausted from the sleep deprivation, the kids were actually really well-behaved and we had a pretty good time. I even got a good work out from spending two days as a horse/tickle-monster/thrower-of-children-onto-the-squishy-furniture. I would like to share with you the best and worst of this experience:

-Potty-training is a mixture of horror and hilarity. The youngest, Ben, is now three and starting to potty train. He's a little guy but he likes to use the real potty and how he does it is hysterical! He actually takes his pants and underwear all the way off and sits on the back of the seat and pees forward. He still needs help though so I got to be a part of this on a regular schedule. As far as number two... don't even ask.

-It is really important for an eight year old to look cool in front of his friends. Max, the oldest, had a couple of friends over one night while Sam, the six year-old daughter, and I were attempting to play Dance, Dance Revolution (I suck, by the way.) Max and his friends were going to play with us but after five minutes of failed attempts to set the game back up on two player after messing it up from the way we had it, Max got frustrated, stuck up his chin, and beckoned his stooges to follow him out of the room. Upon leaving, he said, "Let's let the GIRLS figure out their little game." I almost died laughing.

-For children, yelling is apparently the same thing as singing. I'm not sure how I forgot this from nursery and primary, but I was reminded by a very loud rendition of "Joy to the World" which involves the death of Barney that was sung at least seventy times.

-Apparently hypochondria is a familial trait. After making a run for some wicked good children's cough syrup, Max still coughed up a lung both nights, but strangely has no other symptoms. My boss has been known to imagine hemotomas and other such ailments in the past so I guess it's no wonder his son would pick up on it. Max even went as far to tell me that he thought he had "coughed up some blood"... turns out he just eaten red candy.

-For those of you who think that "abandonment issues" are just a load of crap, spend a night with those kids. Apparently, Amy Winehouse used to sneak out of the house to get cigarrettes or whatever after the kids fell asleep. Waking to a house with no adults can be tough on kids, which is pretty obvious with Max asking ten times where I will be in the house after he goes to sleep. On top of that, Ben wakes up crying a few times everynight and won't settle down until he sees an adult who will stay with him until he falls back asleep. Seriously Amy, you better be paying for the therapy.

-It is beyond weird to sleep in my bosses bed. He doesn't have a guest room and the couch was covered with kid gooey... what else was I supposed to do? I'm glad I at least brought the Tylenol PM.

-Kids say awesome things which will be used against their dad when he gets back. Included in these comments was Sam's commentary on the recent broken engagement of my boss and his ex-girlfriend, dubbed "that one." Sam said, "I thought they were in love but I guess they were just really good friends. That's ok though, she had a really, really, really, really, really bad son." Apparently the kid hit Sam with a bat and lied about it. No wonder the relationship wasn't meant to be!

-Another awesome part of the babysitting has been the daily calls from the county jail when Amy checks to see how the kids are doing. Doesn't that sound weird to anyone else? She must be seriously bored.

While there were some moments of serious enjoyment involved in my sojourn in single parenthood, I am relieved it's over. There is nothing like a few nights with three kids to remind me why I don't want kids. I'm going home to my dog.

We agreed to this?

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has found themselves amidst an uncomfortable situation and realized that the situation is quite obviously their own d*** fault. I have to wonder if humans are prone to some level if social masochism because not only do we get ourselves into these situations but we generally end up repeating them over, and over again. Perhaps, instead of being social pain-seekers, we simply have to have really horrible social experiences in order to enjoy ones that are... not horrible.

For those of you who don't know, I ended a long-term relationship about a month ago. I haven't really felt like getting back into the dating ring again but the circumstances were sort of thrust upon me recently. There are a bunch of good guys that own the building my office is in and who like to harass me on a regular basis. We don't usually talk "significant others" but I guess they noticed my "bf" hadn't been around for a while and talked me into a date with their friend who, for his privacy, I will call Bob.

Well, Bob stopped by the office a few times prior to setting a dinner date with me and won me over with his eight month-old great dane puppy, Miah. Let me just say, Miah is second only to my own dog in terms of cuteness and loveability. Anyway, Bob asks me out Friday night.

Friday morning I wake up at 4:30a.m. and vomit for a couple hours before wallowing in misery that day and the next on the love seat, watching all eight hours of A&E's version of "Pride and Prejudice." I clearly could not go on a date in that condition. I texted Bob and told him my sad story. Of course you can't blame a girl for the stomach flu so Bob was cool with the whole thing and we agreed to try again another time.

But thus began the texting of Bob... he texted me quite a bit over the next few days and that's when I started to get a bad feeling about going out with this guy. I mean, during the Super Bowl he felt the need to tell me that he is quote "a stonch Republican." Yes, that's how he spelled staunch. He then went on to compare the Steelers, clearly the villains of the Super Bowl, to Democrats. Imagine his reaction when I told him I was a liberal.

The next week, probably a development of the vomiting, I have tonsilitis. Since I was already sick the first time he asked me out, I felt like I'd better just get it over with, despite not really wanting to go at this point. I hate being rude and with how many times he had stopped in with his dog, I just didn't feel like I could gracefully bow out. Four hours later, after an odd dinner filled with all kinds of redneck idioms I could not begin to understand and sitting alone while he went outside to smoke, he dropped me off at my car and busted a move... sigh... so not smart.

Bob asked me out again the next night but I just had to say no. I told him that I really wasn't interested in dating quite yet, which is true. I left out the part though about having one of the most uncomfortable nights of my life.

In the end though, it's my own d*** fault, I knew Bob was a 28 year-old version of Rush Limbaugh before we went out. Anyway, thanks Bob, for scaring me away from beginning dating again for at least another couple months.

The Lessons of 2008

I, like most, take a little time to reflect on the past year with the coming of January. It's important to gauge our individual and collective progress through comparison. With that, here are some of the things gained and lost in 2008:

1. One more barrier in racial prejudice was blown to bits with the election of an African-American man as president. Despite political affiliation, the election of Barack Obama has proved to be an emotional and inspiring moment in the history of Civil Rights.

2. I learned that Americans do care about the bubble bursting in paper-backed securities, but they care much less as long as gas prices are low.

3. Science discovered that alcohol shrinks the brain... seriously, we didn't know this before?

4. I learned that if being around another person exponentially increases my crazy, then I really shouldn't hang with them.... sigh...

5. Riding around in a big truck that is painted like a cow with my brother at six in the morning is actually a good time! Plus, you get to eat all the cheese curds you want (half a pound is not recommended!)

6. The government can give away money without actually having it. I wish I could do that...

7. Pets are supposed to increase the owners' quality of life... if they do not, unfortunately there must be sad goodbyes. Hopefully Ellie is finally a happy dog somewhere!

8. Miami Vice is still one of the best shows ever produced by television... seriously, how can you beat Ferrari's, Phil Collins, spandex and Don Johnson? I watched the entire series in six months and I may do it again in 2009.

9. State governors, whether it be Sarah Palin or Blagojevich, dominated in terms of media coverage of political corruption. Seriously, do governors work?

10. Do not try tucking a loaded gun into your sweatpants when you go out to the club, you will probably shoot yourself in the leg.

11. "The Office" could be the funniest show on television or possibly ever.

12. Neurotic, but generous, bosses are the best kind... generous enough to keep you working but neurotic enough to encourage you to leave some time in the future.

13. I think we all learned that the battle over homosexual rights and societal acceptance for the gay lifestyle is just beginning. I am hoping the next few years prove to be more legislatively and judicially positive in this regard.

14. The "emo" has officially disappeared. Seriously, I never see emo kids anymore, where did they all go?

15. The bird flu is going to kill us all.

16. There is nothing sadder than loss of life, especially under certain circumstances. Tanner Swensen, you are missed and still loved.

17. Friendship renewal can be the answer to a lot of life's questions! So many people I missed that I found my way back to... thank you!

18. It's okay to like your therapist, lol!

19. O.J. Simpson is finally guilty of something! Who knew?!

And the last thing that I learned, or rather, reaffirmed, is that family is the foundation. Never forget it! Thanks for a great year, I love you Mom, Dad, Bry, Kelly, John, Jodi, and Scott! No way I could do it without you!