Highlights of the UAJ

One of the parts of working for an attorney are countless hours of boredom.... depositions, clients on the phone who won't hang up, listening to people try to sell my boss something when they know he is only wasting their time on purpose, etc... but on occasion we, the staff, are rewarded with the opportunity to accompany my boss on his adventures, or rather misadventures, with the various legal organizations of which he is a part.

Brent came to IF-town from the exciting and exotic Salt Lake Valley. There he was a part of the Utah Trial Lawyers Association and continues that association in Idaho. Due to the negative stigma "trial lawyers" brings about in "laymen," the organization changed its name to the Utah Association for Justice. Either name though is just a way of identifying the hundreds of plaintiff attorneys statewide. Yes, these are the people that sue you, you, and oh, you too.

A couple times a year, the "sue happy" get together and chat about new legislation, how to deal with clients, and how to deal with each other. Last week, I got to go. This is the awesome stuff I learned, some useful, and some incredibly not so:

1. Allstate sucks ass... this guy traded his sanity for the ugly truth about Allstate and it's ugly, really ugly. I won't go into detail because you will be as bored as I was (my colleague and I resorted to the dot game at one point) but if you really want to know, feel free to ask me.

2. Despite the high number of Mo-Mos in Utah, there are very few Mormon plaintiffs attorneys... hmm... I wonder why that is...

3. I have never seen so many people drink so much coffee but then not go to the bathroom. Seriously, with as much as these guys drink, they should be in and out of the room all day, but they just sit there. It's baffling.

4. Defense attorneys are boring compared to plaintiff attorneys. Seriously, only one defense attorney spoke in the whole conference but he was BY FAR the most dry of anyone I met.

5. Plaintiffs work actually DOES SOME GOOD. I know, I know, I didn't believe it either but there is a whole lot of case law passed by plaintiffs attorneys that we should all be pretty grateful for. For example, Utah employers, until last year, were not liable for sending their employees into a dangerous situation, even if there was a 99% chance the worker would die. It took a guy being ordered to basically drive through lava and get burnt to a crisp before the Utah Supreme Court took a new position on that. Kudos to the attorney who took that case because she only gets paid if she wins and who would take a case where all the case law to that point says you can't win? Yeah, she kicks ass.

6. Women are underrepresented in the plaintiff attorney arena, particularly attractive ones. I got pretty creeped several times from the old guy stares...

7. I broke 1800 on my Bubble Breaker score during the conference, just an FYI, it was awesome! All it took was two hours of persistence.

8. My boss literally didn't think that AIDS was still a problem. He actually told me this during the conference. I've been inundating him with HIV/AIDS literature since we got back.

9. Women make kick ass plaintiffs attorneys! This woman spoke who literally made some of the people in the room cry (not just the women.) She must slaughter witnesses and mow over juries! Absolutely amazing! I wanted to kiss her feet!

10. Having a "heated outdoor pool" in Utah at a hotel actually means that they heat it... but only from October to February. The fact that I swam fifty laps in that pool (twice) I now believe only shows that I am losing my mind.

11. The experience also reaffirmed my belief that my boss is one of the most insecure people I know. He presented and has asked me at least two dozen times since if he did a good job. To his credit, he did wear a sweet neon tie with flowers on it.

And I completely FORGOT MY FAVORITE THING when I posted this so here you go... number twelve... on our way to breakfast, we saw an Adopt a Highway sign sponsored by none other than "Women Against Gun Control." Being in pretty much the reddest state in the country probably meant I shouldn't have been surprised by this but I laughed my ass off at the thought of a bunch of middle-aged house wives picking up trash off I-15 with sidearms.

Who are your sitcom characters?

I know I'm not the only person with those daily interactions that make you feel like you are in an episode of "Seinfeld," "Two and Half Men," "Scrubs," or dare I say it, "Sex and the City." Maybe it's the mere fact that I work downtown it a quiet office now that makes these odd moments more prominent, instead of in a call center where odd happenings are well... normal. Whatever the reason, I generally have a daily reason to chuckle. Such as...

...the guy in our office building who rides a bike to work everyday in Wranglers, cowboy boots, and toting a backpack that looks like he stole it from a second grader five years ago.

...the ex-teacher who had a brain tumor and now wanders the city, pushing a baby carriage and designing apparel out of electrical wire. I have often considered buying one of his hats, he's a nice guy who acknowledges his oddness.

...the eighty year old man that walks by my window two times a day, always in a different outfit than the time before.

...the people that drive the wrong direction down our one way, one lane street.

...the strange man that passed me on his bicycle as I walked back from the courthouse and shouted, "man, this town is full of hotties!"

...women who my boss has taken out on dates and now walk by our office to flaunt their new boyfriends because Brent never called them again.

...the client that left his truck parked in the middle of the one way street in front of our office to come in and talk for fifteen minutes.

...another of our crazy clients that literally breaks into tears anytime anyone talks to her.

...the kids that sell sun catchers for local churches at least twice a year. They always make you feel horrible, like you drop kicked a baby or something, when you say no to them.

...the owners of the building I work in who rent out potato cellars and own land in South America... anyone else suspicious other than me?

...the redneck city worker that always wears a neon orange shirt and tells me every day, "lookin' hot, like always." Not sure why he keeps saying it at this point.

...the guys that turn up the music in their vehicles when they pull up next to a cute girl walking downtown, like loudness will somehow make us attracted to them.

...the crazy Native American guy that keeps calling my office to find an attorney who will make the government take the implant out of his head because the implant shatters windows with electromagnet pules, and steals his paycheck.


So here's to all those people that make life interesting! Cheers!