In order to avoid reading about subject matter jurisdiction in the United States Code, I bring you this edition of the 841-oh-2 to discuss the interesting social economy of my favorite place: the gym. Anyone who frequents a gym knows what I'm talking about. I never cease to be amused by the hysterical, annoying or down-right creepy people that join me as I run to nowhere. Here are just a few of the characters that make my best hour of the day so very... interesting...
The Cell Phone Talkers: I have taken to biking recently because running has turned my knees into knobby, arthritic pains in my a**. Without fail when I sit down to watch Campbell Brown's mash-up on CNN at six o'clock, there is a middle-aged gentlemen on the bike next to me on his cell phone. You might suspect that the man is a broker or someone whose livelihood actually depends on being on the phone... you would be wrong. I now know more about this guy's marital problems than his wife does. One of these days I'm just going to leave him a note with a therapist referral.
The Tag-Team De-Motivators: A lot of people that go to gyms require a partner in crime. These partners fall into two categories: (1) those that make you add the extra twenty pounds to the bench press, or (2) those that keep talking about where you guys are going to eat after you get done. I do my silent giggle every time I see a girl lean on the elliptical her friend is diligently trying to figure out. The conversation that follows is generally a depressed rendition of... "I'm just so tired today," "I think I'm getting sick," "I hurt my back the other day," or something equally obvious. Hey, I'm not judging, if you don't feel like working out, no pressure. The problem is that these comments inevitably lead to the poor elliptical girl giving in, joining in the de-motivating, and going to Crown Burger...
The Old Guy: I fully expect to be one of those strange old people that continues going to a gym well into their 80's so I feel like I have the right to mock the inappropriate old guys that spatter the Field House landscape. Two in particular come to mind. The first is the old guy in WAY too short of shorts that insists on stretching on the half-wall in front of the cardio machines everyday... I will leave you to your imaginations there. The second is the old, somewhat large and very hairy guy that plays basketball with the undergrads, shirtless every evening.... again, I will not elaborate.
The Competitor: Part of the reason I enjoy running on the track on the third floor of the field house is because there are usually two or three people up there with me that want to beat me (I also enjoy being able to mouth the words to my music without so many people thinking I'm crazy.) I find that with enough eye contact, I can usually provoke one of them into thinking that I'm trying to "win"... at running in circles. Do I know how stupid this sounds? Yes, yes I do. Do I still enjoy it? Yes, yes I do. Do I still get upset when someone "beats" me? Sigh, yes.
The Hot People: I know you are saying "UGH!" at this one but I have to throw them in. There are always a few people at the gym, particularly at a college gym that are so beautiful they belong in "Twilight." We all despise them while we secretly note their work-out routine. These are the guys or gals that make you accidentally drop your I-pod or trip off the treadmill because you ramp up the speed another couple miles an hour when they pass, just to show them... Oh beautiful people, we hate you.
I could literally update my blog daily on the strange happenings and visitors at the gym... from the girl with giant boobs trying to do pull-ups to the guy with a fifty pound back-pack on the stair-stepper the gym keeps me laughing loudly and inappropriately. For those who are also gym dwellers such as myself, feel free to add your favorite character to the comments!
3 comments:
The Over-scheduler-
These are the people that feel a need to use every piece of equipment in the gym. They feel the pressure to make there membership worth the money. They spend just enough time at each workout station to build up some heavy breathing and then move on. These are also the same people that you see everyday at the gym, but never look any more in shape. The only piece of equipment that they use properly is the jaquzzi's or the sauna.
The oogler- At my gym in DC he always managed to show up the gym the same time I did, even when I mixed up my schedule. They insist on talking to you, even though there is great joy in gym seclusion. The oogler frequently is from another country and often is in fact attractive or has huge cannons. The creepiness of his stares however lead me to try to pawn him off on any of my friends that happened to come into the gym at the same time.
I feel like your blog is perfect justification for me to never actually go into a gym. It wasn't something I was ever likely to do, I just feel better about it now.
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